Morning has broken

My co-worker could not handle the fact that I didn't have any Christmas decorations so she unloads on me a box of tacky years past decorations. I am surrounded these days by loony tunes with Christmas hats on and cheap red hanging apples. Tackiness can be a theme in itself as long as everything coincides with the theme. I have even managed a little bit of lights which I forget that I love. I am planning on baking some Christmas goodies with my new best friend, Angela. Angela has pursued an active friendship with me that contains frequent hikes in the colds, rather odd movie choices, cooking together and sharing eclectic tastes in literature and music. I am heavily benefiting from this situation and it is definitely helping scare away the depressing winter. The other week we threw a party at the local golf club which contained amazing east Indian food and a sizilin' live band. We are throwing one on new years eve at the local ski hill and I am planning on being the dj. I am rather excited about these events and I am hoping they will snowbal into a larger avenue that would include a place of our own were we can have bands play on a regular basis. Hopefully my brothers are coming to visit me at Christmas and I would love to make a large Christmas meal for them. New friends are being made and I am slowly setling myself into a life out here. - Nathanael Alan Baker

I'm liking it

I have been thinking about what makes success again. I have run into some men lately that seem to have it made; first there is Justin whose list is so extensive it drives me mental. First of all he is financially established after working on tug-boats in the Vancouver harbor for years which left him with oodles of money, he is one of the most established 'outdoorsman' in town and is revered as the most experienced mountaineer, skier, backcountryer, and horticulture expert. He did a 2 week trip along one of the mountain ranges around here about a month ago and took may pictures of it which he preceded to do a slideshow presentation with at the local coffee shop which was packed that night. He is dating a beautiful girl who co-owns a quaint little tea-shop here in town. Not to mention he has a beautiful large house and is an amazing guitar player. I have yet to find out if he speaks any languages but I wouldn't be suprised if he is fluent in at least a couple.

Now I realize the danger of putting myslef up against someone like this but one can't resist this obvious chance to be depressed!! I work in a diner where I flip burgers and empty grease-traps, only to be able to just afford my apartment and just skim by as far as eating and a little extra money. I haven't really got many credentials to my name except for maybe reading lots of novels which when it comes down to it doesn't really do anything for me or at least anything I am using right now. I have seemed to fail in most relationships I enter into and even often drive them to cease to even have anything to do with me. I come up 'lacking' in so many ways but for some odd reason as I was sitting on the edge of my bed last night, looking at my naked reflection, I couldn't help but feel that I didn't really care. There are so many minions that walk through this life doorway without making the tiniest indent on the frame. They just blow through uneffectedly and I couldn't really figure out why I shouldn't be one of those. So what if I just blow through life without making any significant tracks or effect any change- what diference wil it really make. Sure fun is going to be had but even then it is not required, just a preference. So I suppose I will let Justin be Justin and maybe I will start spending my days watching T.V.

New beginnings (oxymoron)

As I know is inevitable things are changing and people are slowly moving out of my life but thankfully new ones are moving in. this is definately a tiering and depressing route but it seems like the one I have chosen for myself. I applied for a new job yesterday at a place that sends workers to famalies with autistic children. I am rather hopeful about this one. My friends out here do all seem to have there own life but are good at including me. Life in the new apartment is exciting but lonely- it is wierd being able to walk around in it and know that it is all mine. Living in tents and campers for so long has adjusted me to the small spaces life. Having my records is incredible and I had forgotten how much they actually meant to me. Jordan- I started the band biography and it is wonderful. When he started talking about Simcoe and Rick Danko growing up there I felt quite proud to know you!! It won't stop pouring here and it makes for more of a frustrating life then a depressing one. Since I walk everywhere, everytime I go out I get drenched which is rather frustrating. Need to get a better rain-jacket. - Nathanael Alan Baker

Update

Just so readers/peruesers know I have changed the settings so that anone can make whatever comment they fancy either on my writing or general opinions just about me.

Too Long

Really there are no rules to these blog thingys. Technically I can not write ever again and no rule would be broken- no one could say that I agreed to abide and did not abide (is there a word for 'did not abide'?). There is however many people that point out the simple fact that it takes awhile in between posts. For this (believe it or not) I am grateful for because it shows the obvious fact that people actually give damn what is going on in my often uneventful life. Thankfully uneventful is not a word that could surmise my life as of late. Many things have changed recently and I continue to be living in a world of turmoil- mostly evidence of my young age I believe. I have been priviliged enough to spend some time with my brothers which included a trip to a rather small Bible College where the idea of a evening shindig is to weave bacon together in a pan, stick it in the oven and presto-chango you have a party. The elder brother looked after me as we pereused Vancouver and met his possible future 'in-laws'. The last month has also seen me moving into an apartment that signifies my climbing the great social ladder of western america. The nicest apartment I have had to date it comes with a balcony and I hope to include a pool table (which I have already purchased but am having trouble fitting into the apartment building) to further my skill in a hobby I have had since I was but a wee one. Most eventfully however I returned to Saskatchewan for 10 or so days. Firstly; getting out there was posistive hell as I stood on the side of the road hitchin' in one spot for a good seven hours- worse luck I have ever encountered. The time was wonderful though and I was actualy a ltle surprised how many people I managed to reconnect with. Highlights included; jammin with the boys until the wee hours, a house party with the members of library voices, evenings spent with Jordan and Sarah (which are always strangely and wonderfully nostalgic), trivia at Bobby's, breakfast at a strangers house and most importantly being able to rest these weary eyes on familiar ones. This is not to say that it was continually happy for there was a significant loss of a friendship that has meant a lot to me over the years. Returning "home" to Hope has been good though- I managed to bring my records andmy saxophone back which I am quite happy about. Work hours are looking quite scarce and it looks like I am going to be required to pick up another job somewhere to make the proverbial ends meet. Life has settled into a suprisingly comfortable routine. Whenever that happens though- I ussualy get some rude awkening and turmoil starts all over again so until the wind blows my way I will stay here spping my tea quite contently. Thanks for readig- Nat

WOW

Can't really say anything but it- wow. I would like to think I have a rather vivid imagination and there are definitely scenarios I imagined when it comes to breaking me out of the normal day-to-day that I am sure we all encounter if not just a bit. I did not, however imagine this as even a remote option. I was doing the regular cooking on my job when before I know it am filled with a surge of warmth and happiness as I find both my brothers in my arms. It seems a common trend in my family to plan this grandiose surprises for each other. It seems that this one has topped them all (even though there is rather significant other one involving my mom and my brother- details available upon request). So the set-up story to this one is that both my younger brothers have decided to move to B.C. The younger one (Jordan) did so without telling me and has been living in Abbotsford for a month, this is of course quite cunning of him if you ask my opinion. The older, younger brother (Josh) just drove out (slowly albeit) from Nova Scotia. Of course they did not inform me of these plans because the idea was to surprise me on my birthday and oh what a surprise it was. It is not only wonderful to see family after so long of fighting the solo battle but to know that they are living close surpasses my wildest expectations. The idea that we three are close to each other and that we are able to strengthen the brotherly bonds that hasn't really been an option for years now is just wonderful. I couldn't ask for more in my life right now also considering I felt lacking in the aspect of people that actually know me in my world. While it is quite thriling and new to be around people that have jut met me for the first time it can get tiring because it is still a lot of groundwork to lay and it is nice to be able to sit back every now and then and be with someone who knows who you are. On that note I am greatly anticipating my trip to SK in the first week of November. It will be a nice step into the past- hopefully. Life still finds me a complete failure in the romantic relationships relay. Getting really fucking tierd of failing here- sometimes I know I am walking into things the wrong way but then every now and then I try my damndest to work on things to take the right steps- to love passionately and still I encounter rejection-its taking a lot of courage and ideas to keep me from waning to give up completely. Well the power is flickering off and on so I should post this before elctriity dies. Love- Nat

Post-it

Howdy cyber relations. Yours truly has spent many a days inspecting the environment and exploring new relations and joins you here to convey his data and revelations. I will refrain from disclosing endless forms of field hypothesis to you for obvious sake. Major headings/categories include new hiking adventures, progression of mandatory life 'going-ons' and new possession acquisition's. I have spent more time exploring the wildlife and forest with the friends I have made here. Have yet to spot the legendary bear but will persist into the salmon spawning season when the bear is known to descend from the summits to feast. I have moved my portable mansion ( my loveable trailer) to a campground where such facilities as electricity and showers are available to me. Every day living goes smoothly except for the occassional close proximity neighbour. I spend many hours in my four walls and have made it quite cosy and liviable. It goes without saying that there are many things still to be done but for now it is home. I am powering through the books as if they were cheap lovers and am feeling a sense of a foreign accomplishment with that. Work hours are being cut back a bit but the hope is that with winter there will be lay-offs and more hours available for me (I have been promised not to be laid-off). There is a problem with where to park my camper for the winter seeing as how the camp-ground closes in November. One of the higly persuasive influences is that there is a snooker table for sale in town for 200 and would like to acquire a apartment large enough to house such snooker table. Future holds a show (Gogol Bordello) on the 10 of the next month and also a trip back to the flat-lands in the first week of November. One needs future plans to look forward to as if they were almost some promised heaven to work towards. The value of these "heavens" is yet to be determined. Well I must depart I have to sally over to the drive-in to flip some burgers. In a emotional/nostalgic side-note I have ran into Angela a couple of times now and we have reacquainted and gotten to know the new people we have become. This is hugely different for me (as far as how I have changed) and more subtly different for her. Love is sent as much as possible through these zero's and one's -Nat

New Life

Situations don't seem to vary for me even though I find myself living in some "distant world" I still find lessons and experience to be quite the same. Maybe I need to move to India or something exotic. In a lot of ways I am jealous of Ashley who now feels the freedom to be a globetrotter. I know the value of experience of varied ways of life and maybe I am missing the opportunity that I should be enjoying. Well there is no sense on dwelling on the 'what if's', but it is nice to wonder. While I do long for different experiences that ones I am encountering are ones hat I know I like. I got to go to Vancouver for a weekend and wandered around. I acted like a homeless man and sat on street corners and watched the boot heels shine. I saw the ones with the big wigs that make my economic world turn around, I saw the ones that are pushing culture and the arts ahead until it trickles down to me and I pledge allegiance to some artist, I saw the ones that have no ambition and just want to slip into obscurity, I saw the ones that are dazzled by there own flashiness so much that they can't see past there own glare, and I enjoyed some of those things only big cities can contribute; art gallery's, chess in the park, aquarium's, and fine food. This past weekend I got to experience the thing that delivers the most of this superficial happiness to me; music. I traveled to the land where salmon's have arms and watched people pluck, hit, and vocalize. It was a wonderful long weekend full of hippies from Montreal, people from far-away lands playing peculiar instruments and of course a couple of personal favorites that brought tears to my eyes. While I am still left with the annoying feeling that I have been here before I know I enjoy them so I keep on searching for the things I know. Thanks for reading- Nat

P.S.

I apologize to inform you that I have no received a personal address from the bureaucrats that govern my action. I feel heartfelt anguish at the relying of this news. Please accept my apologies on behalf of all the proletariats universal, may we unite to create a new future full of contact information, yours sincerly Nathanael Alan Baker esquire.

Travels

I came home today after my shift at work to find that the inside of my camper was covered in sand. I live on the banks of a huge river that flows swiftly and incessantly. The wind picks up of the river and blows sand at my humble abode all day. Constant dusting seems to be necessary or maybe I should listen to Neil when he tells me that a man needs a maid. Times are well- like a Dickens novel. Last night brought friends to my camper- good wine was sipped and laughs were heard. Even though there was reason to be swept up in the moment I still could not help but feel ennui at times gone past. I was reminded of late nights in my old camper where I taught under-age boys to smoke (that's a a tip of the hat to you Sarah). Sigh- those were the days, but my own stupidity glares true because these are the days also and I sometimes I can't enjoy them because of longing. I wonder if this will disappear, will I ever actually not long for what is past.
Not a whole lot new to announce- highlights include going to Salmon Arm soon for a wonderful looking festival, and reading a significant amount, also making new friends and significant memories with them. I am sorry Jordan and Sarah that I will be missing Folk Festival- be sue to have a drink for me. I have the next couple of days off and toyed with the idea of busing back for a 12 hour period and busing back but I must be conservative with my money.I don't really know what the "future" holds but I have realized that it will be me in the future and I will keep on making the stupid mistakes I have made already- so at least I have that to rely on. Any Questions?- Nat

red polka-dots

Many trails have been hiked but I have yet to encounter the elusive bear, many shifts have been worked and I am settling amongst my fellow workers, new acquaintances have been made and connections made based on same ideologies. Maybe my favorite connection so far is a girl who likes playing board-games and has agreed to start a book-club with me. I have found a wonderful hiking partner who will go to the woods with her beloved dog at the drop of a word. She is literally hours of enjoyment and a purer heart I have yet to find. Music festivals are an option this summer and I have plans to attend one that Johnny Winter and Dr. John are playing at. Free days from work are mostly taken up by extensive board game marathons or hiking the many mountains and trails. There is still a tinge of longing; a tinge of "oh yeah, I remember that painfully". This will always exist and I am happy for it for it brings a much needed sobering light. My abode that I have found in my new camper is bringing much shallow happiness. I can just sit in it and grin from ear to ear realizing the situation I am living in. I still have many steps to take as far as fixing it up goes, but I know they will be accomplished in time. Right now I am reading Karl Marx; The Communist Manifesto, and The Basil and Josephine Stories by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Time keeps on coming at me as I seem to fly through it and I apply my timeless skill of making the most of life and being content with little. Peace- Nat

paradise

Finally I have achieved the dream that has plaguing me since I had the mind sharp enough to dream it. I have bought a camper- a 20 footer pull-behind variety. I am amazed and wondered at the luck that has befallen me these last couple of weeks. I have went from nothing to a place to live a job and a scattering of friends. I call it luck but it might just be a lot easier to achieve these things then I thought it was. I picked up this camper for 200 bucks and while it needs some smoothing and finishing over it promises to be a keeper. After all I haven't found too many projects that I can't finish and improve on myself (except my ill-fated last apartment). I sit in this wreck of a trailer and the designs just jump at me I could not avoid them if I wanted to. Within a couple of weeks I plan to have it fully livable including fridge, stove, sink and full washroom.
I would still like to make some more like-minded friends and I know they are around lurking in whatever abode they find. It is just a matter of calling them out and making them interested in what I have to offer, something I have had a problem with in the past.I do however spend my free days hiking in the gorgeous mountains and swimming in there immense pools. Isn't this it? I know they have been wondering where the garden of Eden is forever and I am pretty sure I have discovered at least snippets of it in the mountains and in the middle of lakes. I have also discovered a wonderful pool-hall in Chilliwack (the neighbouring metropolis) where I plan to spend every other free day honing what little skills I have. There is even a house snooker champion who offers lessons and I might take that up. Sure things are unsettling ocassionally which is to be expected with such a significant life-break, and sure every now and then the thoughts and realities catch up tome and I feel overwhelmed and don't have enough personal strength to hold up the facade, but these moments are becoming fewer and further between. Fornow I just got to keep on doing what I know best- making people laugh at me! Peace- Nat

History never dies

I knew that I could never escape my past but I didn't know it would still be this overwhelming. Dreams bring back memories of lots of experiences. I wake up with scenes that I thought got buried but seem to still be thriving above ground. People and conversations flank me constantly throwing the past at me. Should I moan because of this or should I rejoice? I am really quite torn. At times life seems like it would be wonderful if I could wipe the slate and start creating those new memories that will rejuvenate rather then sting. The real question though is what would I lose, who would I become? Show me a person who lives without a memory and I will show you an imbecile. Besides this rather nagging but necessary intrusion of the past I am doing okay. I have found job in the local diner and while it is not the dream job (not exactly sure what that is) it will pay the bills and look after me (feeds me like crazy). I have set my tent up in a junkyard for free which has all the qualms that you might expect from a junkyard including a dog that is as tough as a burnt steak. There are a couple of glimpses of the sun over the horizon including an apartment at this friends house which is right smack in the forest- oh the beautiful forest. Not to mention that in my royal junkyard there is a camper that as for the moment is siting empty and well I will let you fill in the blanks! As for now I am settled geologically but not emotionally- updates to follow. -Nat
P.S.-Nelson I regret to inform you that I passed my sax long to one of my musician friends.

Paradise

I have finally reached Hope. After many deliberations and setbacks and quite honestly wanting to lay down and stop where I am's. I became weak and bought a luxury bus ticket for the last leg of the stretch. it is mostly what I remember it to be and the first walk around town found me smiling and quietly humming to myself. I was reacquainted with the quaintness of this small town, from it's crazy grocery store to its locally run cinema. It seems like the big over reaching finger of commerce and commercialism has not reached this small town. Sure it has a Subway and a McDonald'a but I wouldn't be surprised if they go out of buissness here. Most places are locally run and to top it off I think there is about 5 second-hand stores here. Oh what majestic wonder. I have met a couple people in town already and hope it will be a starting ground for meeting many. For now it is the tent until I find emplyment etc. Peace-Nat

Wilderness

I set out from Black Diamond with full intentions of walking with my little pull-behind cart. I ran into a guy while I was walking who had seen me on the highway the day before and gave me- yes actually gave me- his bike. So after much thanks and show of appreciation I set off with me bike- I managed to bike 10 hours that day. It was still hard going because I had a cart of at least 100 pounds and I was beginning to arrive in hilly county. While I was slowly peddling my load along these roads 100's of cyclists started passing me- these guys -and girls- with fancy tight pants and helmets that looked like axe-heads and glasses that looked like they grew out of their faces. I felt quite foolish and even do know in recollection of that day- me slowly pulling my cart while these cyclists whizzed by me. I made it to Bragg Creek that night and found a campsite to settle down in. Not only was my body completely sore from being burnt to a crisp the first day of walking but now my legs were sore and my but felt like a tenderized piece of steak. Needless to say I was sore all over and it didn't as much hit me until the next morning when I woke up and could barely move anything. Even though I was in this state I told myself that some good ol' exercise would work out these sore muscles. I kept on heading down the road to a place where it actually ended. At the end of this paved road was a trail that was no passable by vehicles but only a hiking and biking trail. It is called the powderface trail and is 34 km and connects the kanaskis county with canmore and banff. I went to bed at the beggining of this trail with full intentions of attacking it the next day. I had stocked up on supplies enough food and water to last me for a couple of days. I woke up the morning of and just started bawling- I was one big ache. My but hurt so much it hurt to sit walk even just standing made my cute cheeks sore. Not to mention my legs- every single one of the muscles ached with every single action I did. Now some situational clauses must be applied here- I was in the middle of nowhere. Sure I was at this campsite but there was no one else at the whole campsite. I was also in the middle of bear, cougar, and elk (don't laugh about the elks- they can be just as dangerous) and here I was having a hard time moving anything. I seriously thought it might be the end- I layed in my tent until about 2 in the afternoon before I managed to pack my stuf up in the cart- bike to the very quiet highway, ditch my bike and hitchhike out of there. I am now in Canmore and awaiting further adventures- Nat

so far

Many experiences even 6 days into my trip. I was walking around high river one night hen I found a cart that pulls behind a bike and since my bags are way to heavy to carry I loaded everything into this cart and started to walk west. I have made it to black Diamond so far and hope to be in Canmore by the end of the week. Long hot days walking down highways and random nights by little rivers have been the bulk of my experiences so far. It is hard...very hard. I don't know anybody even though there are many people around and I am quite lonely. Not knowing anything like where I can eat and sleep is quite demoralizing but I fel like I am gaining something of some potential worth from all this. Highlights have been a sip of a bottle of port that Brody bought me every night before I go to bed, meting this couple in high river- a guy who has hi english degree and one of the best bookshelves I have ever seen, and random coffee shops every now and then.- Nat

travels

Well already the first day has passed and I have some stories to tell. Took a bus to Calgary then made my way down to High River (a small little town about an hour south of Calgary). It is quite nice here although there is a lot of wealth from Calgary and that black stuff that oozes out of the ground here. I was walking around last night looking for a spot to pitch my tent when this man pulled me aside and said I could stay in his workshop over-night. He is into product design which as far as I can tell is a fancy name for a small scale architect. Anyway he showed me this old camper that he redid. It is one of those ones that look like a bullet- all silver and round- and is fairly roomy. The wonders he did with this thing were incredible- he made it look nicer then many houses I have seen with very modern style and lay-out. Curved shelves with intricate cut-outs, a bed with what I swear was a bear skin on it, a steam shower, those fancy stoves that are flat and have the elements underneath, a pull-out mini-put floor and much more (including surround sound and a large flatscreen tv). Anyways it was quite inspiring and beyond anything I have ever seen in a camper. I told him that I lived in a van for couple of years but it wasn't even remotely close to anything like that. I am doing well and found a really nice campsite for the night. I will stay here a couple of days and then keep heading west. - Nat

exhausted

I ran into a couple of hitchers today- heading out to the Okanagen- going to pick that fruit. I am soon to join their leagues. Last night I went to Regina had lots of sushi, played some pool and watched a movie. A good evening- things I am going to miss. Who knows and that is the troubling part- the uncertainty of the future. I suppose I could have never been certain before about the future because well...its the future. It still seems even more acute now, even though I can rely on many things like sun, trees, breathing, thought etc... It still seems like I am forbidding all recognizable things for the unrecognizable. It would be as if for some reason I was flipped upside down and my feet was in the air and my head was what I hopped on to get around. Sure things would be different and I would have no way of gaging things but when it comes down to it they would be the same things. I would still be living in he same world just upside down- so this is the way the world will appear to me soon. Only 3 more days until I "head out" and I can't wait because it scares me -Nat

Reading......again

I picked up a book by Will Aitken, he has worked for the CBC the BBC, and opened the first gay and lesbian bookstore in Montreal. Needless to say he has a good history as far as prerequisites for writing go. The book is written from the perspective of a women (from Alberta) who goes to japan to teach english...and follows her adventures among the foreign (in more ways then one) race. Such adventures include eating food that tastes like her own skin, growing a pearl in her forehead that she can emit light from, random sexual encounters with the stereotypical small Asian penis, and falling in loe with the local pop-star; Oro. The novel is called Relia but I am going to have to cut this short because my lap-top is dying I will disappear into the abyss of the world without cyber connections. Farewell- Nat

the owl

The owl has left and now I am completely alone. I was soberly aware of what the owl meant before it was gone and I fully realized what it would mean if it left , but I must confess I didn't actually think it would happen. I am not prepared, I don't know what my next move should be- I know what I need and that is nothing short of having the owl return but how I go about that escapes me. The owl was everything- it brought everyone to me, it provided me with consistency, it was the streets I traveled on. Now nothing makes sense without the owl here to give reason to these random occurrences. The owl was the point where everything converged like a napkin ring that brings it all into a central meeting place the owl brought everything together and then released it with reason and purpose. Now there is not a reason or a purpose to these napkins because the owl is not here to create it. Oh how aware I was too of what the owl meant to all this, I was constantly acknowledging the influence the owl had but now I have no owl to acknowledge. I have no recipient of my praise because there is no one or thing worthy of my upright praise. What do I do know, where to start- Nat

Whatever

I am feeling blah. The situation of continual work , shoving in friendship encounters in spaces available and lack of proper diet has left me feeling this way. Too rushed for me, not enough depth but a lot of ground covered. I was in Caronport the other day and I popped into the library to visit my old friend Carla. I walked past the cubicles that are for rent and remembered fondly when I had one of them rented. I would spend quite a significant amount of my time sitting in that cubicle and reading my books. I might have felt a sense of ennui at the time but in retrospect I was stable- I knew what to expect and I let myself sink into that routine and live off the security that only familiar surroundings can provide. I don't mean to sound like there is not a scrap of warmth in my life right now because quite honestly ; looking at it in a subjective light- I have a lot going for me. I do however want to slow down, what is the point of having experiences at all if I can't sit back and glean from them. I need to reflect, to introspect, to let everything slowly sink in so that it can become part of me. I am tired of being a hard shell- a slick surface that everything just repels off of. I want to be a forest floor that slowly decomposes its occasions; that gradually turns matter into mulch and rich soil. Whatever- Nat

Lethargy

Sure many characteristics have come and gone over the years for me- sometimes I feel like I can't stand to be around people and hole myself up and other times I love 'em and spread myself thin. Even though I get these "swings" one thing does remain constant- lethargy. I am a lazy bastard. I can spend a whole evening just sitting there quite honestly doing shit. I can put the simplest task off for weeks simply because I don't feel up to it. This lack of self-motivation and willingness to push myself has always been there. I don't get anything accomplished in my life and haven't learned how to grab the bull by its horns. If we are going to get down to facts the first thing is simply that I shouldn't be living here anymore. I should be in some forest somewhere, but because I lack the gumption to get up and shit with my life I am still existing where I wish I wasn't. I have had the wish to write something for the longest time now but all I have around me i piles of incoherent scraps- nothing concrete- no masterpiece- not even a close to accurate portrayal of what I feel. I would like to blame it on my diet or the busyness with work etc, but too much time has passed for these to be valid excuses anymore. The plethora and ample amount of time I have had reveal me to be a lazy ass who can't achieve what scant goals he has. Maybe someday I will learn what it is to grab life by he balls and say cough. Until that day I think I will go play x-box. -Nat

Sex

During one of my library escapades I fell open a book simply titled; Sex- A Natural History. I picked it up out of curiosity and other factors and am now completely enthralled with the content. I have been interested in sex as a social study ever since I saw the movie Kinsey. The book (so far) approaches sex more as a biological act. Why sex in the first place? Is this an evolutionary factor that is just around to improve the chances of our race? From looking at other animals and our own actions there are some rather odd conclusions. Most of the reasons we are attracted to each other as a mate has to do with furthering our own genes and looking after the genes of our own children. We think we are new and exciting in the way that we go around sex and pursue it but when it comes down to it we carry a lot of the same characteristics that other animals do. I am curious to see what else this book can tell me.
I am playing sax tonight at the performance theatre in the library and I must admit I am a little nervous. Haven't really played in front of people since high-school and that was a good 8 years ago. Oh well, I guess I have to begin at some point. -Nat

Rasputin

I was working my way through another günther grass book (one of my favourite German writers) called The Tin Drum. The main character was talking about Rasputin and I never realized what a man this was. I ventured down the path to discover more about this man. I discovered from his illiterate beginnings as a poor man to being the last great tsar and having many people hungry for his blood. Along the way this man convinced multiples of women to sleep with him using the christian argument that the first step on the road to repentance is to first commit the sin. The few pictures I saw of this man are probably the most revealing; with a long straight beard, sparse head hair parted in the middle and deep sunken mysterious eyes that reputedly suggested hypnotism. If my words don't paint a good enough picture.....maybe a picture will! What I started wondering tough is if wonderful historical figures like this man are literally a thing of the past or if beings like himself still exist. If a man was to have the 'life-force' and charisma these days that Rasputin held; would he be recognized and move up in the proverbial ladder? Or are we all a little wiser now and not as "gullible" as we once were? Either way I wish the blessing of Rasputin on you. -Nat

Stupid ideas

So the main point behind this is to give me somewhere to practice that which needs practicing- writing. I have been putting off writing for a long time now which seems quite stupid to me because it is what I mostly want to do. I have kept myself busy over the years with a variety of different activities- mostly non-enriching ones, but when it comes down to it writing is what I mostly want to do. I feel like I have gained so much over he years from persons like myself who have sat down and documented nonetheless their experiences that I have some sort of obligation to do the same. I have no idea what my writings will consist of but if I had to guess I would say mostly responses to what I am reading or thoughts about life situations. Feedback would be nice- hence the whole point of putting this stuff on the internet in the first place. Thanks- Nat