Lethargy

Sure many characteristics have come and gone over the years for me- sometimes I feel like I can't stand to be around people and hole myself up and other times I love 'em and spread myself thin. Even though I get these "swings" one thing does remain constant- lethargy. I am a lazy bastard. I can spend a whole evening just sitting there quite honestly doing shit. I can put the simplest task off for weeks simply because I don't feel up to it. This lack of self-motivation and willingness to push myself has always been there. I don't get anything accomplished in my life and haven't learned how to grab the bull by its horns. If we are going to get down to facts the first thing is simply that I shouldn't be living here anymore. I should be in some forest somewhere, but because I lack the gumption to get up and shit with my life I am still existing where I wish I wasn't. I have had the wish to write something for the longest time now but all I have around me i piles of incoherent scraps- nothing concrete- no masterpiece- not even a close to accurate portrayal of what I feel. I would like to blame it on my diet or the busyness with work etc, but too much time has passed for these to be valid excuses anymore. The plethora and ample amount of time I have had reveal me to be a lazy ass who can't achieve what scant goals he has. Maybe someday I will learn what it is to grab life by he balls and say cough. Until that day I think I will go play x-box. -Nat

Sex

During one of my library escapades I fell open a book simply titled; Sex- A Natural History. I picked it up out of curiosity and other factors and am now completely enthralled with the content. I have been interested in sex as a social study ever since I saw the movie Kinsey. The book (so far) approaches sex more as a biological act. Why sex in the first place? Is this an evolutionary factor that is just around to improve the chances of our race? From looking at other animals and our own actions there are some rather odd conclusions. Most of the reasons we are attracted to each other as a mate has to do with furthering our own genes and looking after the genes of our own children. We think we are new and exciting in the way that we go around sex and pursue it but when it comes down to it we carry a lot of the same characteristics that other animals do. I am curious to see what else this book can tell me.
I am playing sax tonight at the performance theatre in the library and I must admit I am a little nervous. Haven't really played in front of people since high-school and that was a good 8 years ago. Oh well, I guess I have to begin at some point. -Nat

Rasputin

I was working my way through another günther grass book (one of my favourite German writers) called The Tin Drum. The main character was talking about Rasputin and I never realized what a man this was. I ventured down the path to discover more about this man. I discovered from his illiterate beginnings as a poor man to being the last great tsar and having many people hungry for his blood. Along the way this man convinced multiples of women to sleep with him using the christian argument that the first step on the road to repentance is to first commit the sin. The few pictures I saw of this man are probably the most revealing; with a long straight beard, sparse head hair parted in the middle and deep sunken mysterious eyes that reputedly suggested hypnotism. If my words don't paint a good enough picture.....maybe a picture will! What I started wondering tough is if wonderful historical figures like this man are literally a thing of the past or if beings like himself still exist. If a man was to have the 'life-force' and charisma these days that Rasputin held; would he be recognized and move up in the proverbial ladder? Or are we all a little wiser now and not as "gullible" as we once were? Either way I wish the blessing of Rasputin on you. -Nat

Stupid ideas

So the main point behind this is to give me somewhere to practice that which needs practicing- writing. I have been putting off writing for a long time now which seems quite stupid to me because it is what I mostly want to do. I have kept myself busy over the years with a variety of different activities- mostly non-enriching ones, but when it comes down to it writing is what I mostly want to do. I feel like I have gained so much over he years from persons like myself who have sat down and documented nonetheless their experiences that I have some sort of obligation to do the same. I have no idea what my writings will consist of but if I had to guess I would say mostly responses to what I am reading or thoughts about life situations. Feedback would be nice- hence the whole point of putting this stuff on the internet in the first place. Thanks- Nat